what depression teaches me

Reality. My depression shows me reality. It still hurts to breathe some days. It hurts to move, to think, to do. Deep within me is sadness that aches and breaks in tears that create yellow light inside me when they fall endlessly. This is love at the end of pain. I’m taken by the tears to a place way out beyond this level of consciousness. So I have a view of life, how it really is. This place grounds me, soothes me and connects me to Nature. I can be still and see why I am hurting so much. I know there is a death of an old self taking place and I am evolving again. An old self who has been rooted in the protection of denial, now the time has come for that denial to be replaced by truth. The only way for me to do this is to face the grief this process brings. Words are hard to find right now. Severe depression is just too intense for words. I have to feel it and move through it. I will come out the other side transformed. It has happened before, it will happen again. I have an image of a flock of birds flying across the sky, I see them all the time in my mind. I use EMDR processing at home to access this visualisation. I am these birds, moving with the wind out across the sky. Free. Free because I am feeling my grief, I am travelling through it and integrating it. Accepting it slowly. The pain is always worth it, my depression shows me every time. At the end of depression is wild freedom and great love for reaching that place you were told you would never reach by those who abused you. I will stick with it, I will learn more from this depression. I have learned to navigate it over the years because depression is always part of Complex PTSD. I can’t wish it away, it’s part of me and it arrives to show me truth . Truth is love, truth is power, truth is gentle, but sometimes it has to break me to allow me to feel and know myself. This has been my experience in healing so far.