There are some things so horrifying about child abuse they are unspeakable. What I am about to try to share is one of those things. But I feel that given this is the reality of what adults do to children when they sexually abuse them, and that those children like me, grow up to have to live with the damage I have a duty to tell the truth, even though it is abhorrent. It makes me feel shocked and sick, but this happened to me and I know from talking to other women who are survivors, and from all the reading I have done, that it has happened to lots of others. I don’t know why we live in a world that allows adults to do the things they do to small children. I have asked myself this many times, in a dream like state, knowing the answer, yet being overwhelmed by a kind of grief that turns this question in a daze of living the truth, not wanting to face it, or feel it. I feel small and vulnerable knowing what I know now, but also grateful to the doctors who have monitored my health and pushed me to have procedures I did not want. Because of them hopefully I will recover from the damage caused to my body.
In 2020 during the pandemic I started to have nightmares about the rapes I suffered as a child. These assaults started when I was very young, only 4. I had completed 7 years of EMDR therapy which I finished in 2019 and at that point was in a great place, having integrated so much trauma from my childhood. I felt ready to return to work and I started this blog. I was so happy and proud of all the work I had achieved in healing, even though I was left disabled from it by the physical damage from the abuse. But unfortunately there was more to come. More memories that my body needed to tell me, to recall from the deeply dissociated state I had lived in. Wearing a mask was a huge trigger, one at first I did not understand. From the moment I wore it I began to have panic attacks and was at a loss as to why this was happening. Then the nightmares started. They were relentless and I reached a point where I actually thought I was not going to make it because of the severity of them, the impact they were having on my mind and body. Given the nature of my dreams I soon realised that the mask was triggering the sexual abuse I had suffered and dissociated. They were dreams of unbearable horror. I still cannot believe the horror of them, or how my mind gave me these images, nor how I survived them. The nightmares went on for almost 4 years and during that time my body remembered and relived all the damage caused to me, when I was raped at such a young age. I started to have bleeds like periods, but I am 60 now and should not have been having these bleeds. My periods had stopped suddenly when I started the EMDR, we all thought it was the shock the trauma was causing to the body, and was normal for the circumstances. Every time I would have a dream or a memory about the rapes I would get a bleed, sometimes small, sometimes not. I reported them to my doctor and the psychologist who had treated me for the EMDR. They both thought it was my body remembering these terrible attacks. However, given my age and the worrying nature of these bleeds, that they can be an underlying cause of uterine cancer, I was sent for investigations I did not want . Invasive procedures that were difficult to have given what I was dealing with. At first all of the results came back and everything was fine. As I continued to have the nightmares over a long period of time, I kept getting the bleeds and had to be sent for further investigations to make sure my womb was healthy. Then last year I reached a point in remembering where I came to the end, the nightmares finally stopped. At this point I had to integrate a sexual assault that happened to me when I was 5. I have no idea how I survived, it took me most of last year to integrate this one memory. I needed to call my consultant psychologist for support and used the Rape Crisis Help Line twice a week. It was an assault where I almost died and there was more than one perpetrator. The way my body recalled the damage was and is so shocking to me, but I am in awe of what it survived and how it gave me the truth, despite the awful fall out and toil I faced. I was out running one day and collapsed from the pain I was feeling. I had a bleed so heavy I thought it was some kind of haemorrhage. I knew my body had taken over and was giving me the final piece of what it had been revealing to me over the four years of the nightmares. I allowed my body to do what it needed, putting my trust in it’s story, allowing it to talk. I spoke to my psychologist, she stated that I had reached the end. That this damage was what happened to me when I was 5. I then began to have more investigations. It has now recently been revealed that there were cells that were cancerous, but they have been removed. However, a treatment that is available , the morina coil which could be inserted in the womb to prevent and protect from further bleeds, which have now stopped, and from cancer developing, cannot be placed in my womb. This is because my womb is damaged from the abuse, it is not in the position it should be for the coil to be successfully fitted. The morina coil is commonly used, it is very good at protecting the womb from cancer. It’s easily fitted and removed and causes no discomfort. It should be able to be fitted easily with me, but my consultant has told me in my case it would not be successful, because of the position of my womb. I have been told that I now need a hysterectomy to protect me from cancer coming back, because I cannot have this coil fitted.
I have been reeling from this news. When the consultant spoke to me to tell me about the issues with my womb, that a solution so easily and commonly used could not be used with me, there was a sudden dawning as to why this was so. A child cannot be raped at 5 and not suffer internal damage. I was that child. You cannot escape these consequences, but my denial, so protective of the horror, holding me in a place of small naivety, had kept this awful truth from my full consciousness. I have read Eve Ensler’s work, she is a survivor of child sexual abuse and was raped by her father. She went on to have what she calls rape cancer, uterine cancer which had spread throughout her body. She was treated and survived the cancer. Her story has given me identification and comfort. I am not alone. This is why I share my story. To tell other women they are not alone, that we can talk about these horrors without shame, what happened to us is not our fault, we need each other. Thank goodness for my doctor who pushed me to go and have investigations that were invasive and painful, that I really did not want to have. They found the cancerous cells and now I can have the treatment. I am scared and sad. I will not be able to run for a month, the recovery time is about 6 weeks. My consultant has told me after about a month I should be able to run again. I guess it is a small price to pay for my health, but I am having once again to do something I do not want, nor choose because of the terrorists who abused me . Life is not fair, we all know this. I have over the last few days wanted to give up, but I am trying to stay positive by feeling grateful that the cancer has been caught. I am grateful for my life and my amazing body that has survived this appalling abuse and is still standing. It makes me feel so tiny really that this happened to me so young, that I was so alone, all alone with it. That all I could do to survive was dissociate because there was no escape. Not much makes sense right now. My daughter, my birds, coffee in the morning sunlight, Spring sun and flowers are a blessing. Last week I started singing again and I could not need this more. I used to sing in a band and loved it, but I stopped when I had my daughter and had to be treated for the PTSD, life kind of got in the way of something I really loved. So I’ve gotten back out there and it looks like I might be going to do gigs again, which would be amazing. Singing brings me so much joy, so I’m looking for joy. It’s found in small places, like sitting with my beautiful birds and hearing them sing, watching them kiss and fight like an old married couple. I will find joy in all the places I usually do and I will let myself feel whatever it is I need to feel to get through this time and come out the other side.