Not that long ago I started sharing about the true nature of the abuse I suffered as a child. Or rather I started to call it what it really was, without the fear of not being believed, or judged as crazy. Those concerns I had fell away the more trauma I processed. As I worked through memories locked in my body to face my truth, I was brought increasingly into the present moment, able to live in it, occupy it without being dragged back by and to my past. And what I’ve learned about being able to inhabit the present without any effort, is the door to a whole new freedom opens up. It felt, it feels like magic. I hadn’t realised being able to be this present for most of the time was such a beautifully sensual experience of complete freedom, a lack of self consciousness I’d never experienced before. This is why I committed to the pain of remembering. I knew, well my soul knew this wonder was waiting at the end of years of nightmares and flashbacks containing the memories my body had to vomit out. All those memories of sadness and suffering I’ve had to listen to. I’ve held those screams, tears and wounds tenderly, telling the child in me, I am here now I love you. I am listening, I love you, you have as long as you need, let it out, I got you. This release I gave permission to has brought me into the beautiful present. It is more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. So after all this work, all this time it has taken to birth and arrive, why would I be afraid to call the abuse what it is ? And so I discovered I’m not. What I survived is called organised ritual abuse, it remains a taboo subject. Those who commit it will make sure it remains that way, unless it is spoken about. It is the organised, systematic sexual, physical, emotional and spiritual abuse of groups of children by the most wealthy and powerful. They are a secret society, existing because of their power, above the law. They are untouchable and protected. Call them a cult, call them whatever, but they are evil and they are very organised. They traffic children within the groups they are organised in, a lot of money is involved. Because of this wealth and the reach and secrecy they have, many people have to be involved to cover up and hide these crimes. This type of abuse has been going for as long as time. If I were to share the details of what I have seen or suffered it would be beyond the imagination of any horror movie. We’re talking torture. The very wealthy are the sickest, there is nothing their money cannot buy. They do not live in the world, they believe the world exists to give them everything they can buy and for them children are objects to be bought, commodities of pleasure, to be used and discarded. Like I’ve said before Epstein and Prince Andrew were only the tip of a huge, sprawling iceberg. The British aristocracy are in this up to their necks. With their stately homes and huge grounds they have so much space to hide their crimes. To call those who commit these atrocities people is mistaken. To me they are a virus. One that needs to be wiped out. I know that will never happen, but I have my voice and having made it this far I feel even more compelled to share with honesty, how I survived so I can try to help other survivors. We have to stick together because these groups use fear and isolation as tactics to keep us silenced.
This time of year is difficult and painful for those of us who are survivors. Many of these groups hide behind pagan religion or satanism. They think it gives them power. This is the bull shit they believe. They are nothing more than a big group of paedophiles, vile criminals hiding behind beliefs they think will save them, such as satanism. However, because of this so called structure, they operate around certain dates in the pagan calendar, such as Halloween and Summer Solstice. So, for those of us who are survivors these dates are very painful. I have had many years now of having to get through these times of the year and over the next few weeks leading up to the 31st I want to share what I have learned, and what has worked for me. Rape crisis has been a constant support to me throughout the years. The women who work on the help line know all about organised ritual abuse, they understand it and are so knowledgable. It is a huge relief to talk to someone who believes you, who you know is there at the end of the phone, whenever you need . With this type of abuse there are not a lot of people you can talk to. For me this comes down to all kinds of reasons. The fear of not being believed, the fear of speaking out, the shame you feel, the awful intensity of the emotions coming up , the trauma responses which can overwhelm to a state of complete freeze, so no words are possible. As Bessel Van Der Kolk states in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, trauma is pre verbal. It is stored in places in the brain and body where words cannot be accessed. It is literally unspeakable. When I first got clean and sober I was completely overwhelmed at these times of the year. That was 28 years ago, so I have had a lot of time to work on dealing with Halloween and Solstice. Some years it dealt with me, I barely made it through the pain my body and mind were remembering. But fact is I did make it, I’m still here.
I’m going to start with a time when I was in my first year of sobriety. I was fresh out of rehab, in my new home, away from everything familiar. Starting in a new town, away from old connections which could call me back to the bottle and the drugs. I had to build a different life, go to 12 step meetings forcing myself to share. Like I would rather have been eaten by a lion. Terrified is the feeling that accompanied me everywhere. Anyway, Halloween rolled around and I started remembering. Or at least my body did. Aches and pains, sickness, not being able to keep any food down , rapid weight loss, shaking hands, terrible panic attacks that would strike out of the blue. Then the flashbacks and nightmares started. But before they came I was engulfed in an energy I could not control. It felt like fuel and it arose mostly at night. I’d always been a runner, but this energy propelled me out the door to run miles and miles. I started competing in races again and my times were off the scale. I didn’t know it then but I was starting to come alive from the dissociation that had saved me as a child. This was my energy rising up, pure energy that contained the truth about the abuse. I had to learn to be still though. I could not run 24/7 to deal with these emotions and truths. So I sat on my sofa and looked out the windows at the trees. Sitting still it all came home to me. The small girl I had been came to me out of the tumultuous pain swirling inside me. She walked toward me with her eyes open and I picked her up. I started speaking to her and so began our life’s work of finding our way home to each other. There was some mesmerising quality in discovering this is what we survived. There was wonder we survived at all. I made a commitment to her then, a decision I have stuck with. I told her I would do whatever it took to get her free from the pain. No matter what I would listen, I would never abandon her, we would never have to forget again and live in the silence that had almost killed us. I had to learn stillness. Stillness saved me, it saved us. It’s a very, very hard skill to learn when pain like this is coming up and you are used to stopping it with booze and drugs. But I wanted to stay alive. So I learned to stay still in order to listen to the small girl and feel her pain. Into the stillness I had to bring others. Only I could do this with myself, but I couldn’t go through the process alone. I needed others. The safe people I found in meetings, therapists and a few trusted friends. This is why help lines like The Samaritans and Rape Crisis are so invaluable. They exist all through the night, when remembering can be so awful, it feels insurmountable. I picked up the phone and asked for help. I broke the isolation I was feeling, I took the power out of the pain by sharing it. I was heard. One of the most healing gifts for those of us threatened with silence constantly is to have our voices heard. To speak the truth out is release, it is a gift of love to the child we were.
So having to master the skill of being still was the start of learning to deal with Halloween. Stillness opened that door to my inner world. The inner world of the children. First came the one girl I had been, then over time came many more. I discovered a wealth within which has saved me. They all needed comfort so I gave it to them. Comfort, this craved thing I had never been given. I had to make myself as comfortable as possible during the dark times. I found comfort after discovering the lessons of stillness, and comfort is fun to explore. I was really good at giving myself this. There are so many lovely ways to comfort that are not destructive like chemicals were. There is nature, animals, exercise, reading, music, making up a clean bed, aromatherapy, swimming, good food, talking to my best friend, laughter, oh the joy of laughing at the madness. And of course writing. I mean the list goes on and on. I have naturally been suicidal at this time of year before and if this happens I have to return to the moment and just breathe, saying they will not destroy me, they will not beat me. Self talk to the child works in the stillness I became used to allowing myself to inhabit. Over time these practices I developed grew into a deep love and trust for myself and my recovery. These habits created safety, new adaptations, a new way to live so when this time of year came round I was ready. I knew what to do, it was engrained. It was love that I tapped into, it was a love I became used to giving myself. It is a travesty that I should have to learn to do this at all, but the alternative was death. I either learned how to deal with these awful times of year, or they dealt with me and I would have killed myself. I have no illusions about this at all, such was the pain of the suffering I was remembering and can still remember. These times of year are like storms in my system and like storms they will pass. I have the resources now to keep myself safe so I can come out the other side. It’s not easy of course, but these are some of the things I have learned which have kept me alive.