I live with chronic pain. Today I can accept this fact. For a long time I wanted to change my body through working relentlessly with a chiropractor, in the hope that the pain I experienced would somehow disappear, being healed by the readjustments. There have been amazing improvements over the years. I have had long periods of relatively pain free living, but the underlying damage is always there. I have known times when I am not under the cosh of debilitating physical pain, mostly in my upper body, my neck, head and shoulders, and sometimes my lower back. I carry old injuries from the trauma of childhood physical abuse. When the abuse happened my body went into a state of protection, or brace for impact, so I got used to locking up, especially in my upper body. This set a pattern, a default setting so to speak, coupled with permanent damage done to my developing body from tissue damage and the breaking of bones. So, I’m left with pain that’s always there. I’ve had to learn to have a relationship with this pain, to not hate it for reminding me of what happened when I was so small. The day I embraced it as being a part of me that needed love and nurturing was the day it started to improve. I was no longer fighting so hard. My resistance to listening to it only made it fight back even harder. At this point my body was remembering the trauma in EMDR therapy, working hard to integrate the abuse. As I started to heal, so my body came out of the forgetting or dissociating I had used to survive. In this way being fully present in my body meant I started to feel everything. The damage came out front and centre, and I began my quest to manage it. Back then I had so much denial about what I could do to make it go away. My whole mission in therapy was to allow myself expression to feel, to be true to the child I was, who was not safe to feel. But when the physical damage to my body was released in this process, I did not want it and experienced awful conflict within myself because of my denial of wishing it away. This is only natural, it’s pain no one wants, and it’s pain that brings with it all the reminders of why it’s there. It debilitated my life and stopped me working, so I hated it. I hated the people who had done this to me. I hated and I hated for as long as I needed to, some days I still feel that hate, but it only lasts for a short while now. I came to a decision one day when I saw that my hate was hurting me. I was so uncomfortable with this hatred, I had no where to put it but myself and my poor body that had never let me down. So I started to listen to my body in a different way. I started to talk to it and say, sorry you have been through this, I want to be here for you, I want to hear your stories. I could not fight anymore. I’d made a promise to myself that I would do whatever it took to become free from my past, so I could hardly deny my body the pain it needed to express. When I took this position, instead of being locked in the hate, my body relaxed more and I began to feel improvements from the chiropractor work and all the exercise I was doing. It’s enough to have to feel the damage, to hold it and manage it. Denying it with my hate through the fighting only made it worse. This was not a position anyone could have brought me to, or told me to do. It was a place only I could arrive at, on my own, with the support of my Psychologist and being guided by my instincts and my soul. Acceptance of this kind of damage takes you to the wall, it’s an acceptance that breaks you literally with the grief of what is lost, but for me it was the only way I could be with the truth I had lived to try to discover a peace. I felt I deserved that, I felt the small child I had been, needed that peace more than anything. I have had to learn to adjust to a new way of being in so many ways, one which incorporates a lot of exercise to stay as fit as possible. I have always been a runner and have practised yoga for many years, so I use exercise as a way to manage the damage. For me it is essential for my body. It makes me feel more in control, it helps me feel free, it gives me so much mentally, physically and spiritually, I could not live without what exercise provides. That feeling of well being from being fit and knowing your body is still working in a way it really shouldn’t be, given the way it was so badly hurt. I always feel a sense of tremendous gratitude now, that has for the most part replaced the hatred I used to feel. I would say that exercise from being outside listening to the birds, in all weathers has saved my life on days I was so depressed by the pain, I just wanted to die. Exercise has not failed me once, and it never will, I know that. My love of exercise gives my body love, we are entwined in this form of movement that holds us. It is a security all of my own, it is special and it has healed me from the hate and resentment I felt all of the time.
On days when the pain returns I am always shocked at how bad it can be. As I have continued to heal integrating more trauma , so my body becomes more and more present, feeling everything. It is very rare now for me to dissociate. When the pain returns, normally from being triggered by a reminder of the past, I have all the ways I use to deal with it. But that does not mean I do not get overwhelmed, I do. Relentless physical pain is exhausting. It shuts down the front of the brain and stops you from being able to think clearly. It can be frightening and disorientating. You start to feel battered by it, you look in the mirror and see the black rings under your eyes, the face you see looking back looks so vulnerable. I end up looking haunted by it when it continues. My daughter has sometimes said to me , Mum you look like you’ve been in a fight. There is something in seeing yourself like this during a pain triggered time, that makes all the anger resurface. You see the powerlessness in yourself, you feel it so deeply, all the old fears. My first reaction can be anger, my line of defence against the vulnerability. My anger at what they did to me. I have to rally myself with self talk, telling myself I have this, I will deal with it. I let myself know I can take control and work with my body, not letting myself get overwhelmed by my anger, ending up not being able to function because of this feeling and the associated pain. It’s a difficult balance to not tip into a solid and enduring depression, but I have gotten used to following this process of telling myself I can deal with it, I have to deal with it, to come out feeling the gratitude I described earlier. It’s only practise, time after time of dealing with the pain that has enabled me to get myself back into this position of self kindness. Usually the first thing I think of is getting out for a run. I don’t always want to, I just know it will work, so I do it. During times when the body takes longer to resolve the pain, I do start to loose my sanity. The mind goes to dark places, nooks and crannies where not being alive any longer can seem desirable. This is normal. These feelings are why I have animals living with me. Animals, rabbits and birds. They have saved me in so many ways. I would never act on such feelings and harm my daughter in this way, but that doesn’t mean the mind doesn’t go there. It does. It wants out of continuing, relentless pain. This is where my sense of humour has to come in. When the back is against the wall I laugh. I have a twisted and sick sense of humour, I have to be able to laugh at myself and at life. The ludicrousness of it all. I have lost my career because of the discrimination I have encountered due to my disability with this damage I live with, so having a sense of humour to laugh at the ignorance and hypocrisy I have encountered has seen me through. I mean it’s a joke, an angry joke. How else do you carry on ? I swear a lot, I run a lot, I listen to loud music, I read, I talk to my animals. I know they understand. They look at me as if to say, look at this fool, we have her right where we want her. But I know they understand, I feel their love so strongly. I will always live with animals, they are my backbone.
I am coming out of a period of constant pain, at the moment. It has not been easy and has lasted for about 6 weeks. Previous to this I had not experienced a relapse, for quite a while, which was lovely. It changes every time it comes back. It feels worse because I am fully in my body, but I know straight away now what has triggered it and I never try to reject it. I understand it, as I work with it. My chiropractor is incredible. He knows my body so well, I trust him implicitly to be able to help me get movement back in my upper body. I am feeling very tired as I recover, and I am vain and don’t like that I look like I’ve been run over by a bus. I take warm epsom salt baths with aromatherapy oils, often after my running, this helps the body recover and relax. I drink a lot of water and green tea. I also find nettle and dandelion tea a great help, they are soothing and full of minerals. I use aromatherapy oils. These are so important to me, they are incredibly healing. There is a German brand called Dr Haushka, which is organic. They make skin care and oils for the bath and body. The smell of the products and their effectiveness is amazing. They make a real difference to the pain I feel, and also calm and nurture the mind. A healthy diet is of course essential , lots of fruit and vegetables. I am a chocolate lover and allow myself to indulge in chocolate and cake, just not every day. Treats are important, healthy self soothing is important. As I get older I am aware my pain levels may get worse, so I keep myself as fit as possible. Lastly I always go back to the moment on days of overwhelming pain and discomfort. I have the moment to live in when it all gets too much and my mind takes me to places I should not linger too long. Bring it back into the moment. Here once again I see beauty in small things and am released from my thinking of, please stop hurting, when it’s not going to. Sometimes I have to take pain killers, strong ones. I do not like to do this, but if I get to a point of starting to dissociate, I know it is time to give myself some help with medication, that I need a break.
I suppose in the acceptance of my chronic pain I became detached from the old life I had, which I lost because of this damage. It has taken a long time to do this, reality is underneath the protective, warm blankets of denial, which cannot be torn away in an instant. I live in hope of creating another career, helping other survivors like me. I live in hope , because I have life, because I faced the truth of how this pain was caused and in doing so saw how lucky I was to be alive. Sometimes I think the pain I’ve lived with has changed me so much it’s like having other lives I look back on. Some days I feel old and battered by it, some days I feel just like a child. I have spent a lot of time going back to reclaim the child I was through this process of healing, so she is present every day. I also live in that place of childhood because trauma kept me there, but now I live here with joy and happiness, along with the imagination I still use, that saved me then. As I love to write to share the hope of healing, when I am in a period of feeling pain I have to get past my perfectionism. I feel the pain shutting down my thinking and concentration. I used to worry that nothing I was writing made any sense because of that, but I had to discard my perfectionism around this otherwise I would never have posted anything or taken any risks in talking about the truth of child abuse. I am always grateful to all the wonderful people who have come into my life to help and support me. Most importantly I would say that to have to live with and manage chronic pain, you cannot do it alone. For me that would have been impossible. Looking at all the people who have come my way gives me such hope in the thought that life is good, that people are good. If you reach out to ask for help, eventually you will get what you need, if you persist and do not give up on yourself. Do not give up, do not give up. This is what I have told myself for as long as I can remember. It seems to be working so far.