I’m stuck in a place I don’t want be, having to accept that what I feel is normal and there won’t be the quick recovery that I want. I’ve tried, but my system is down. I am left without the internal joy I normally feel about life. The freedom I have worked so hard for feels crushed, squashed and bruised. I am hiding away in these feelings and I am huddled here until it feels safe to come back out. When will that be? Because of this I feel disconnected from the world. Unsafe. My mind won’t think clearly. I’m exhausted and bored with it, blocked in my writing and blocked in myself. I want to find my way back like I always do, but it seems it is taking time. Flattened is a good description, nothing seems to be working.
Two weeks ago I was contacted out of the blue by someone in my family, who found out where I live. It was a threat, an attempt to knock me down, to remind me they still have access to me and can cross my threshold whenever they want. I have thought about going to the police, but what good would that do. The Police did not protect me in the first place, so why should they now ? Despite the fact I know I could do a very good job of letting them know they have a responsibility to me and my daughter. That to be contacted like this should never have been allowed to happen, if they had done their job properly to keep us safe from my family and the group they were involved with. My family have done this before, but it has been a long time . I thought they had given up. I felt completely free. They always offer money, would I sell my soul perhaps? No. They wish of course to cause me harm and it has worked. They are intolerable to me in every way. So I have had this profound reaction.
Families involved in organised abuse never give up trying to destroy you if you get away from them. I pray for them to die, I feel only then I will be free. All the work I have done to integrate the hell they left with me with, the devastation of my body and mind has felt like it was for nothing, if they can just contact me because they want to. Where is the fucking boundary. I have dreamed of owing a gun. Killing them would not be enough. I try to access my rage, instead of this feeling of powerlessness that has been triggered. I will recover from this, but I should not have to. I am left with the answer, there is no solution to them, but there is my internal world and it is here I turn to revive myself.
I am writing this today for myself. To show myself I can still speak out. I have a voice and words I can use. I have the truth of my family and what they did to me and to the other children. What the powerful and wealthy men they knew and operated with, did to me and other children. The pain and suffering they all caused because their wealth put them above the law. Untouchable.
I have to push beyond now. To a place of more love, it is there. To a place of no fear. It is there. I have to push beyond again with my mind to come out of this. I am doing it, I will do it. They will not beat me, they haven’t yet, why should they now. This is the work of surviving organised child abuse.
