I fight to stay alive. I fight for the beautiful moment called life. I fight when I do not even know I am fighting, it is such a part of me.I fight to be me, to be free, to be still, real, honest. As a child it is all I know how to do, all I can do. So it is as natural to me as breathing. I do not know another way. You see I want to live, I want to be free, I know from my soul it is the way. I will not let go of the hope I will be free one day. To hold on to that hope I have to fight. Even when I am quiet and subdued I am fighting. It is the only way for me to survive the trauma. That trauma that no one else around me wants to see. I am alone, small , with no voice within the family. You see why I have to fight ? I am trekking through the wilderness of my mind. It is my mystery. I have my soul as my wisest guide, moving me on showing me visions, windows open to the truth. What is safe ? I have no safe. What I have is me and the others inside my internal world that are me. We are me. I am we. Multiple. Join hands children, reach for the stars. How long will it take us to get there ? We are on our way now. If we stopped fighting , who knows where we would have ended up ? I fight because I believe in love. In life. In me. In us. In our truth. My fight was the mountain inside me to climb. I climbed it all.
I have had to fight over the last few months. Memory resurfacing, revealing more truth. I could have given up . I felt like giving up, like all survivors do at times. Instead I challenged myself, went into the memory and faced it. I have written a lot about it that I am now going to start to share. My memory and my dreams have revealed the stark violence of my childhood once again. I have had more dissociation ripped away by truth. When I thought my PTSD could not destabilise me really badly ever again, it came like a wave and knocked me over. I ask this of myself and the child I was. Why do you fight ? The child has answered. There is so much more to say, but the truth of the depth of that fight is astonishing. The fight is my belief in myself, lets hold onto that for now, because it’s power, my power.