Part of the definition of resilience in the dictionary is ‘to be able to spring back into shape after being stretched or compressed’, from the Latin, to leap back. Well I’m trying my best to leap back but I keep falling off my perch, ending up again on the bottom of my cage, that’s a lock down analogy, scrambling to climb back up. It’s hard work. I fluctuate between laughing hysterically, while feeling like I’m about 5 years old, or struggling to climb out of bed whilst battling anxiety that is determined to pin me to the floor and keep me there. Fun times. I have a child and a rabbit to take care of. The child is 16, the rabbit 7, an old girl now, so between the two they can be demanding. My daughter has legitimate and painful feelings considering she has not been able to see her friends for so long and is having to do all her lessons on line, which is hard work. At this age it really is doing it tough, there’s anger and frustration. She’s needed a lot of support. So has my beautiful rabbit Betsy, who lost her brother Joey our other rabbit. He died suddenly in September last year. In her grief she became withdrawn and depressed. I’ve had to spend time with her every day, loving her through it, now she does seem happier. She’s somewhat adapted, but it’s taken time. Rabbits are sociable animals who love each other so much when they live together. At the moment thinking of my daughter and my rabbit get me out of bed. Sometimes what moves me is the sheer desperate fury of my anxiety propeling me forward at great pace to clean the house, even though I don’t want to. Seeing as we are stuck inside it may as well be pleasant to live in. I’m navigating a depression which is part grief, part sorrow, part reality , part rage. I know what is going on within, mentally and emotionally. I just have to go with it, work through it, breathe through it and know I am facing and letting go of something huge and it’s changing me. Change within Complex PTSD isn’t without pain. It’s a path paved with bloody hard work, hanging in and trying to spring back into shape after being flattened or compressed by a huge truck load of dissociated emotions surfacing due to the current circumstances beyond my control. Every day I practise gratitude for something in my life. I have learned to do this over the years, it helps me even on days when I feel I don’t want to go on. It might sound unrealistic mustering up gratitude in depression, but it’s kept me alive, so I just do it. I do what I need, even if it’s not what I want. There is always something to be thankful for, often the smallest moment that pierces the heaviness. I’ve started to go running again. I’m a runner, always have been, but the depression has made me feel like an exhausted sack of potatoes, so I just stopped, it was too hard. Staying conscious was too hard, yet alone trying to run. Well the running is helping, I love listening to the birds singing when I’m out. They make me feel sane, grounded, safe and part of what is good, belonging in Nature. I like the evenings too, I light lots of candles, and create a comfortable space around me. I have felt totally lost and adrift in this recent depression. Scared and in free fall. I’ve had to go with this, ask for help , take anti depressants to just function and know that something deep is being worked out within me. Trust it’s for my best, through gritted teeth most days. Because when dissociated feelings from your past rise up to meet you, there is no magical letting go . If it hurts this much then pain is trying to show me the truth, help me to acknowledge it. So I’ll do that, it will take time, but the truth is worth it. As for leaping back well I think it will be more like leaping or stumbling forward, because I will not be returning to the person I was. This depression will change me, force me to confront a deep well of truth within my PTSD. The main thing is that I keep moving, evolving , not stagnating or getting stuck. For anyone struggling with trauma it’s exhausting and being kind to yourself is key. It’s a marathon and a lot of water breaks are needed to go the distance.
Some trauma is too profound to ever get over. We have to live with it. If we allow it to move freely within us, showing us the truth of our reality, we can evolve and know freedom from the suffering we have experienced. We cannot do this alone, we need help and support with the process. A break through will come, we will live with joy and peace for a while after coming through a period of pain and depression. Ups and downs, we will travel through them. In the end we will see a rhythm to the trauma in our life and know from that rhythm we have survived before and we can survive again. We will come back to ourselves, not the same but grown from our brokenness, more resilient than ever. It’s this or give up. So I guess becoming resilient is something I had to learn to be in order to live. I’m glad I made that choice because life is wonderful, precious and short. There’s a moment in each day when I laugh with my daughter. Despite all the trauma those moments are everything. They stand for the love and hope within that has triumphed. Thankfully becoming and being resilient gave me those moments, so for anyone going through trauma hang in there, your moments are coming !