I’ve not written anything on my blog since May and it feels like such a long time ago, rather than just a few months. I’ve discovered just how disabled with pain I become without any chiropractic treatment, which is what happened because of the lock down. I had my first treatment after 4 months on the 30th of June and since then I’ve had 3 more. I can only describe the pain I’ve been in as a nightmare. I know there are people in much worse situations than me, but I have genuinely struggled to stay functioning at all and the treatment I’ve had so far seems to have been such a shock to my body I am feeling chronically exhausted all the time. I’m trying now to find a path back to some normality, whatever that is ! Despite this my daughter and I have lived together through this happily, getting along apart from those moments I’ve become quite literally insane with the physical pain and have reacted badly to something harmless she said or did. Physical chronic pain changes everything. All your perceptions. It seems to take over your life when you’re having to manage it on a daily basis throughout lockdown. I used my self will to power myself through the day, afraid to think how much longer it might be before I could have some treatment. I discovered another level in my mind where I could go, to step up and literally try to push myself beyond the pain. Sometimes this worked and sometimes it didn’t. When it did work it was like a miracle. Anyway it’s been bloody exhausting. I’m so grateful I can now get my treatments, hopefully in time, who knows how long it will take, I’ll return to some kind of health.
I’ve struggled with my mental health too because my body and mind won’t work how I want them to. So much frustration !! I think I could have been kinder to myself at times but I mean it’s a constant reminder of how I got this damage in the first place. I was systematically tortured and abused by my family and they got away with it. They should be rotting in prison and instead they are walking around free because of how the police let me down. So yes I’ve had to do some soul searching to come to a place where I can live with this because there have been days I’ve wanted to give up. Days that I’ve felt I can’t walk this path anymore. But I choose to step over into the light most times because like I’ve said before they can break my body but not my spirit. I’ve detached not even trying to , because I think it was all my mind could handle. Then some kind of peace follows. I also end up laughing at the madness of it all. I mean come on !
Since I last posted at the beginning of May the world witnessed the brutal murder of George Floyd by police on the 25th of May and the protests that followed. Now I’m trying to get back up and running I want to state that I support Black Lives Matter and recognise my white privilege within a society that is systemically racist. I’ve not been able to write because of the pain I’ve been in but I can’t come back without saying where I stand on racism and to acknowledge my white advantage and privilege. This is how I’ve always felt about racism , I deplore it and will challenge it and have taken action against it throughout my life.
I want to finish by saying I take my hat off to anyone having to deal with chronic pain. It’s a tough path. It’s scary and exhausting and it pushes you to the wall mentally and emotionally at times. I’ve detached completely some days, just floating off into the clouds and looking down on this crazy life, trying to make sense of it all. The only thing that makes sense is the way I love my daughter and my two rabbits, so love then is the answer. The solution. I step over into the sunlight on the path and walk on.