During these times of self isolation and social distancing I want to try and contribute something helpful and hopefully comforting. I’ve had experience of being socially isolated and being at home a lot when I’ve been recovering from Complex PTSD. For me it has seemed to be the nature of this mental and physical health condition that I experienced a complete withdrawal from my familiar life and from society as I tried to deal with what lay within the trauma. I lost all control of the life I thought I had and in doing so experienced a withdrawal from the life I knew. This loss of control involved not knowing how I might recover. There was no certainty in my life and I had to live with that, it became normal really. I guess I accept this now as normal after what I have been through because I know there is no control in life other than my own reactions. I was flattened by the experience of healing from PTSD and I had to lay down and let it roll over me and take me where it wanted to go, so I could be rebuilt and return to myself. I became really ill physically as the trauma came out of me. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and chronic pain from the old traumas inflicted on my body. Mentally I was suffering too. Through these struggles I’ve had to spend long periods of time alone, not being able to go out and mix with other people because I was ill . Just in too much physical or mental pain. This was a situation forced upon me and of course I wanted it to be different. I wanted my life back, the life where I had my health and a job, a social life and people around me, who saw me in a certain way, as a strong and giving human being. But the circumstances that led to my diagnosis of PTSD and the process of recovering from it meant I lost the life that I had and I had to adapt to a completely new set of circumstances and a new way of living which involved being with myself at home. Having solitude forced on me through my mental and physical conditions made me feel scared, lonely, vulnerable and small. I didn’t like it much! I wanted to be the person I had been, the person I labelled as successful because I had a good job and money coming in. My PTSD stripped me of those externals and left me having to accept I was small and vulnerable because I had no control over what was happening I had to just go with it and look after myself within it a day at a time. I was scared and my self esteem plummeted, not just because of what I was dealing with but because I felt I was not contributing or being what this society says we have to be in order to be successful. But from this broken down and flattened position I grasped onto hope and found comfort in the smallest of things, the most obvious of things really if I am mindful, those things that now give me so much joy and peace. I had to go slow and see that what I was recovering from was huge, the fact that I was still breathing and showing up as a mother meant that all the old definitions I may have put on my life were outdated and not only unhelpful but harmful to what I had to become in order to heal.
No matter how broken I may have felt on a particular day and every day is different as days are, I made sure I kept up some kind of a routine for myself. I have a child so I had to do this for her, but I needed to do it for me too. I tried to keep my home clean and tidy, I figure if you are going be spending a lot of time there it may aswell be pleasing and comfortable to live in. I have a deep gratitude for the home I have been able to recover in. It is a safe home, finally, and I never take that for granted having escaped from a dangerous and violent one. I embrace my achievement of finally becoming free and safe. It took a long, long time. There were times I thought I would never get there. I know so many women and children right now are not safe because of the lock down. Having lived through surviving a violent and abusive home and come out the other side, my heart goes out to you. This is a lonely and awfully traumatic time, you will feel like giving up. You will feel broken by what you are having to endure every day. Please hold on. Hope is there inside of you and you are not alone, that’s what your abuser wants you to think and feel. Don’t give up because you are precious, you deserve the help and support that is available. I’ve used a lot of different help lines in the process of my mental health recovery, and when I needed support in escaping from the abuse. In my experience those help lines often saved my life and I continue to use some of them if I need to. Talking breaks the power of the emotions so I can think clearly and then take the action I need. Some of the help lines which have saved me are The Samaritans, Family Lives, The Domestic Violence Helpline, Sane Line and Rape Crisis. Without talking out my feelings and thoughts I probably would have given up, getting this kind of help made me much kinder to myself and cut myself some slack when I was depressed and beating myself up with my perfectionist and critical thinking. Without asking for help I know I would not have made it out.
Part of the joy of my safe home is that I now have two house rabbits. Each morning and evening I have to clean their cage, but more than having to do this essential task I make sure I enjoy their company stroking their lovely soft fur, talking to them and watching them love the attention. My rabbits make me feel so grateful, they give me so much comfort just through their being. And they know how to be! On really difficult days sitting with them helps me so much. Animals bring a love and peace with them that is born of being in the moment. When I was in extreme mental or physical pain that was the best place for me to live, in the moment. Time slows right down and as it does I come to appreciate everything around me, clean sheets , the flowers in my living room , the birds on the roof outside my kitchen window, music I can dance to, sitting down with a cup of tea and a book and of course my wonderful daughter. Exercise and Nature have been and will always be an essential part of coping with trauma and the isolation it brings with it. I run outside so I can combine the two, but I like to walk too. I have had days when my depression has been so bad it hurts to breathe, on these days I have gone walking, one foot in front of the other and I have noticed the natural world around me. I’m not saying this took away my depression, but birds and flowers, butterflies and trees break through the numb pain of depression and sadness. Their colour and sound and aliveness, their free being, their fragile nature I can find in myself and I feel a part of life again and know I belong.
I’ve suffered because of my PTSD. I’ve discovered through that suffering and the lack of control it brings, a strength in my mind that I didn’t really know was there . So many are struggling and suffering right now. There’s overwhelming grief and trauma as COVID-19 changes and controls our lives. But I know from being a survivor of trauma that we humans are resilient and amazing. Our minds are kept strong by a belief in hope and love. In my lowest moments, the jumping off place as AA calls it, the place where I find myself on the edge having no control and feeling deep sadness I’ve found a love so deep it has amazed me. All I know is that this is hope and love and it’s kept me going. It’s what the human mind craves and needs. Love and hope are there in despair and sadness even when you can’t see or feel them . That has been my experience. We may be in a storm right now but hope and love are always there. They will have your back, no matter what.