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Last night I phoned Rape Crisis to share some emotions, to offload feelings I have about my mother. I struggle using that word, mother. She was not a mother, she was a monster, a terrorist. I know the full reality of her now. The denial I created around my experience Continue Reading

I never cared much for the label,’ disorder.’ I got used to living with it hanging round my neck, like a sign directing others to crazy. Did I ask for it. No. No one does. When I received it as a diagnosis I felt relieved. I knew I dissociated, I Continue Reading

This is what we desired. Safety. This is what we needed from day one, our right, a biological need to grow and thrive as children. Safety. And what if we never knew this ? If all we knew was terror ? Or the constant fear of doubting yourself, because anything Continue Reading

There are places I cannot go, places I have learned to stay out of. I treat my thinking like a child who needs boundaries, I coax, I tell, I nurture , I direct, I guide, I love. I am aware of the place I could go. The place that is Continue Reading

I live with chronic pain. Today I can accept this fact. For a long time I wanted to change my body through working relentlessly with a chiropractor, in the hope that the pain I experienced would somehow disappear, being healed by the readjustments. There have been amazing improvements over the Continue Reading

There are some things so horrifying about child abuse they are unspeakable. What I am about to try to share is one of those things. But I feel that given this is the reality of what adults do to children when they sexually abuse them, and that those children like Continue Reading

29 years ago today I checked myself into an alcohol and drug detox unit. I was a voluntary patient, but there was nothing voluntary about my addiction, it was as necessary to me as breathing. It got me through the day, its most important job, to stop me feeling. All Continue Reading

I’m stuck in a place I don’t want be, having to accept that what I feel is normal and there won’t be the quick recovery that I want. I’ve tried, but my system is down. I am left without the internal joy I normally feel about life. The freedom I Continue Reading

It’s been a long time since I saw you. I think about you most days, I wish it wasn’t that way. We didn’t say goodbye did we ? Because I had to leave as I did, I have been saying goodbye ever since. Hours turning into days, days into all Continue Reading

Last night I dreamt of the Australian ocean. I was paddling in the turquoise blue water, diving under to swim far out, watching the beach. So pristine, so clear a day, just perfect. I felt so happy, so content. Then I was walking on my favourite trail along the coastal Continue Reading